I’ve felt as though the majority of my life has been a quest for love. There was something missing, and I believed that I needed to find someone who would love me to fill that void. When I finally realized I was the only one who could complete me, I started my 40 Day Challenge.
Through the challenge, I wanted to learn to love myself. That was the end of the only real quest I’ve had in life. When I started, I wanted to be strong enough to face the issues that my marriage held in store. By the end of the challenge, I realized I had already put in so many years, and spent so much of my time and energy trying to make things right, that there simply wasn’t anything left for me to do. I gave it everything I had, and tried so many new things to rectify what had gone so horribly wrong, but there was never any lasting effect.
The new found love for myself and sudden courage and confidence I gained from my challenge made me realize I am worth more than the constant misery and struggle my marriage had become. What was the point of being complete, yet miserable? Is that the kind of future I’d want for my kids? Was there anywhere for me to progress in my journey to become the best me?
As I faced those questions, I struggled with feeling as though I had failed. It’s hard to walk away from a 12-year relationship. I didn’t ever want to become one of the statistics, one of the 50% who didn’t make it. But the cost of staying was simply too high. And I didn’t fail. I gave it my best, I hung in there longer than most would have, and I have no regrets walking away. It’s the best thing I can do for myself and my kids.
Now what? I’ve asked myself this each day since the end of the 40 Day Challenge. I kept coming up blank. The other night, as I sat with friends at a bar, however, it dawned on me that I’ve never really had the opportunity to just be an adult. Here I am, 31 years old, and I’ve always been a wife, a mom, a home school teacher, or a business owner, but I’ve never simply been me. I’ve never taken the time to discover who I am, who I want to be, or what makes me an individual. It’s time I focus on finding new experiences and learning about what I want from my life for myself. It’s time to shed the titles I’ve identified myself as for all these years, and just be me. It’s time for my new journey to begin.