I took quite some time off from updating my blog. I didn’t really have anything to say. Maybe that should have been my first sign that there was a problem. I’ve found myself back at a place where I’m not happy with who I am. All the forward momentum I had, is gone. I’m right back where I was in my journey. Well, maybe not right back… it didn’t take me too long to figure it out, this time.
Why is it so hard to change the things I’m not happy with? Why is it so easy to fall right back into being the person I don’t want to be? How do I keep myself from taking so many steps in the wrong direction?
I’ve made myself unhappy, and the people around me unhappy. That’s not the person I want to be. It’s not a person I’ve been in a very long time. Where did my laughter go? Where did my sense of adventure go? Why am I suddenly so scared to learn who I am? I have an incredible opportunity to redefine myself, and yet I’m fighting every step of the way. What happened to me?!
I think my first step is going to be writing here again. I need to spend some time reflecting on who I want to be. I need to be less scared of failing and just accept that failure is a part of growth. I will stumble, I will fall, and I will be ok. I need to stop trying to define myself in the hopes that it will make others happy, and start learning who I need to be to make myself happy.
There’s simply no reason I should have reached this point of being so disappointed in myself again. Especially since I’m in a new situation. The outside influences are gone. Now is my time to blossom and become the woman I see myself as. When I look in the mirror, I don’t want to see that self-loathing looking back at me. It’s time for another personal shift in the way I behave.