I guess the big question today is, “who do I want to be?” How do I begin to figure that out? I suppose I can start by asking myself what makes me happiest… what gives me the most fulfillment and sense of peace and well-being?
My kids, absolutely. That’s the first thing my mind goes to, but I also don’t want to define myself as a mother, first. I need more from life than just being a good mom. Where would that leave me when my kids are grown? Can I be a good mom without making that my primary focus? I believe I can. I believe there will be less stress in my life if I focus less on being the best mom I can be, and focus more on being the best person I want to be. I believe my kids will benefit from that more than me never giving myself room to fail where they’re concerned.
My creative side. That’s probably the one thing that brings me the most personal happiness. I love to create, I love to try new things, and I love to be surrounded by the things I’ve made. I don’t create anything for anyone other than myself. Each piece is a reflection of how I feel. Even the things I make to sell, I’ve made for myself and am sharing with the world. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to have a finished piece in my hands, and having the ability to look around myself and see the things I’ve made, surrounds me with calmness.
Being positive. It’s something I have learned I can only achieve if I make the constant decision to find the best in life. My default is to worry and be depressed. I forgot how easy it was to fall back into that pattern, but here I am. My life is in the midst of complete chaos, and instead of focusing on the good that can come from it, I’m worrying about the repercussions of my decisions. I’m scared of failing before I even try.
Who do I not want to be? I don’t want to be scared, anymore. How do I get over that fear? I’m honestly not sure. I feel like I’m in a cycle of being terrified of failing, so I try to find assurance in what I’m doing. When I get the direction I’m looking for, not only does that success become one that isn’t really mine to celebrate, I learn nothing about standing on my own. When I make a choice and follow through with it, I find that it’s not the failing that’s so bad, it’s the “I told you so” kick when I’m down. I get that it’s time to grow up and make my own decisions. I can’t be looking for affirmation from others. It puts too much importance on them and takes it away from me. I just need room to fail and support from those who love me when I’m getting back up.